Presidential candidates speak out: Tea or coffee?

BREAKING NEWS …

(April 1, 2016) — Today CNN’s Anderson Cooper revealed exclusively to Tea With Friends that just before the most recent Republican Town Hall, he and Ellen DeGeneres had the rare opportunity to sit down with the party’s three presidential candidates and try to lighten the mood of this year’s campaign by asking the candidates about some of the less volatile issues that citizens have been wondering about. Ms. DeGeneres asked each candidate to name their favorite dance (“Not the tango!” said businessman Donald Trump), their favorite movie (“Sense and Sensibility,” said Ohio Governor John Kasich) and their favorite celebrity (“Not Donald Trump!” said Texas Senator Ted Cruz). And in a surprise question submitted by an audience member, Ms. DeGeneres asked the candidates their opinions on food and beverages, including tea and coffee.

“No coffee. No coffee. Just tea. We love tea,” Mr. Trump said. “In fact, my administration’s gonna be so great on tea, this country’s gonna have tea running out its ears. It’s gonna be huge, just huge. We’re gonna have new tearooms, new tea bars on every street corner. Everybody’s gonna be drinkin’ tea. In fact, we’re gonna get China and Japan and India to PAY the US to drink their tea, that’s what a big difference it’s gonna make when I’m elected president. Tea’s gonna be great again. I’m tellin’ ya, it’s gonna be huge.”

Governor Kasich said that while he likes both tea and coffee, he believes American citizens should be able to drink whichever beverage they prefer. In fact, he offered to meet with the heads of both the tea producers’ and coffee producers’ trade groups here in the US and see if the two could collaborate on a marketing effort that would please both tea and coffee drinkers. “I like a little Earl Grey sometimes, but hey, I like a little Colombian dark roast, too,” Kasich said. “That’s what’s so great about America. We have choices.”

Senator Cruz, who memorized the US Constitution when he was three, said the Constitution is silent on the topic of whether tea or coffee should be the favored beverage of Americans, so he believes that is a question best left up to the individual states. “As a southerner from the great state of Texas, I personally like a nice tall glass of good old-fashioned sweet tea,” Cruz said, “but as long as none of the other candidates criticizes the tea made by my lovely, amazing wife, Heidi, we’ll all get along just fine.”

Mr. Cooper and Ms. DeGeneres then led the three Republican presidential candidates in the macarena before moving on to another Town Hall meeting with the Democratic presidential candidates, Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

“I don’t care about your (darn) tea and coffee,” said Sanders. “Drink tea. Drink coffee. Who cares? Those fat cats up on Wall Street, they got all the tea and coffee they want. They’ll nevuh run out of tea and coffee. What about the poor, those who can’t afford tea OR coffee? Who’s looking out for them?” Sanders seemed to be in danger of losing his voice, but fortunately a college student working on the Sanders campaign and wearing a “Free Tea For Everyone!” T-shirt rushed a bottled oolong to the senator, who took a sip and said, “Hey, that stuff’s pretty good!” before hugging the student, who broke down in tears because, he said, someone was actually listening to his worries about paying back his student loans.

Finally, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was asked to share her thoughts on tea and coffee. Smiling, the former First Lady said, “Anderson, as you know, I’ve been working my whole life to make sure that women and children and minorities have access to just as much tea and coffee as everyone else in this country.” When Mr. Cooper pressed Mrs. Clinton on whether she personally preferred tea or coffee, she suggested he wouldn’t have asked her that question if she were a man. Women in the audience cheered wildly, and Mrs. Clinton gave an enthusiastic thumbs-up. She did, however, acknowledge that she was looking forward to having tea parties with her granddaughter, Charlotte.

At the conclusion of the Town Hall, Ms. DeGeneres stepped in and led Senator Sanders and Secretary Clinton in the cha-cha, which both candidates appeared to enjoy immensely.

To see more of all the candidates’ questions and answers from the latest Town Halls, please send an email to angelaforpresident@happyaprilfool'sday.com.